The Emergent Prophet and Casual Christianity

Emergent Prophet here…I am writing in my diary this evening and may post to my web-blog later. So if you are reading this online, I guess I decided to vent in public. After all, isn’t that what it’s all about…if you got a beef (no pun intended as you will see later) about something or someone, the best thing to do is to post it online, or put it on my Facebook page so that when people disagree with my opinions and ideas, then I can denigrate them and have my peeples beat them up online with scathing critiques and well thought out editorials. I think that this is best. Well, anyway, what has me up late tonight (besides not wanting to miss another episode of Letterman and How I Met Your Mother) is that I am steamed about getting thrown out of the Vegan Rally and Fruitfest earlier today.

 Here’s how it went down… I had my booth set up at the Fair, I had paid my fees, had my license in hand and was all set up to try to make some much-needed funds to help pay for my botox injection, when some crazed, fanatical, apparently right-wing crazies from the Vegan Party came all unglued and went postal on me. They said that I had no right to be selling hot dogs, hamburgers and bratwursts (real meat mind you…nothing but) at their Fair. I said that I had paid my dues, had my license, it was all LEGAL mind you, and so I didn’t see the problem. They said that this was a VEGETARIAN outing and so selling of meat was offensive and would not be tolerated. I disagreed. They threw me out. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me give you a bit of background…

 I am a vegetarian. My parents were vegetarians. My grandparents were vegetarians. In fact, my great-grandfather was vegetarian prophet of sorts – he had an organic garden, he was always preaching to people about the benefits of the vegan diet and all. So, I was born a vegetarian. My parents took me to vegetarian meetings, they made me learn stuff about vegetarians, had me memorize vegetarian mantras, and would read to me from the Big Book of Vegetarian Teachings each night. I am a vegetarian.

 But, one day I left home and went away to college. It was there that I had my in-bred, farm-boy, narrow-minded vegetarian world blown away. It started off slowly at first. I met some guys at the dorm on the first day and they jokingly told me that they would have me eating meat by the end of the year. I was convinced that they were wrong, that I was born a vegetarian and couldn’t change, but they were persistent, and they were nice to me. I went to the cafeteria with these meat-eaters and there would be hamburgers, pork chops, meatloaf or whatever and they would always try to get me to just try a bite of meat, but I stuck to my guns (though I find real guns offensive and think that they should be banned by the government, who needs guns today anyway and who cares about what some fascists thought about 200 years ago?) and would only eat fruit and veggies, with the occasional triscuit. I wasn’t trying to offend anyone, I just thought that it was wrong to eat meat, and that meat-eaters were nice enough people – but misguided. My thinking was so quaint. After all, they were my friends and they seemed like such nice people who were sincere in their belief that they were born as meat eaters. And they were offended that I thought that it was wrong to eat meat. They said that if I loved them then I had to love their meat.

 Well, one day, after much pleading and begging from my friends, I tried a bite of corn dog. Wow, that was good. I began to see the error of my ways. Then the next day, I had a Quarter Pounder, then a spare rib, until eventually I went all out and ate a T-Bone Steak for dinner! This was an epiphany! I could not believe that I had lived my whole life in this little vegetarian cocoon and had not experienced something as wonderful as this T-Bone! I was converted. They were right – “eating meat is sweet” and I was a Carnivore by Carnivaal (another neat little saying that they had). But I was also a bit torn – after all, I was a vegetarian. I struggled with this apparent dichotomy, until one day I talked with one of my professors who said that he was a Carnivorous Vegetarian. I thought that this was a paradox and didn’t make much sense but when he explained that the roots of the vegetarian lifestyle went back thousands of years and that in the original manuscripts of the veggie doctrine, the real meaning in the ancient Sumerian language of the concept of vegetarianism was rooted in the idea that it was ok to eat meat, it was just forbidden to eat meat from animals that might become extinct (like Dodo bird, for example) then it suddenly became clear to me: I could be a vegetarian and still eat meat! Of course, I couldn’t eat Bald Eagle, or Siberian Tiger or something, but other than that I was free! This changed my life – I could literally “have my cake and eat it too!” What freedom! I was like Michael Moore at the Golden Corral – I just couldn’t stop eating meat, I reveled in my new found beliefs!

The problem came when I wrote home to tell my folks about what I had done. They couldn’t see it like I did and they were heartbroken and disillusioned. They thought that I had lost my religion, but I assured them that, “No, I am still a vegetarian! I can just eat meat, too!” I thought that we could all get along, but they are stuck in their traditional ways and think that in order to be a vegetarian that you should actually do what vegetarians do and believe what vegetarians believe (aren’t they sort of cute in their antiquated ways?) and that it was wrong and a conflict of principle to eat meat. They just don’t get it. And neither did those Pharisees at the Fair (I should call them Fair-isees, get it?) –they told me get out and take my meat with me.

Well, I am still recovering from that slap in the face, but I have found solace online by joining a support group for Carnivorous Vegetarians, and through my friends – who are so glad that I am a meat-eater now. It also helps to talk with my professors and other students (they are so wise in the things of the world…I was so sheltered before) who have had to shed their past upbringing as fundamental vegetarians and have moved on to the new and emerging vegetarian movement, where you can eat whatever you want and still call yourself a vegetarian/Vegan.

To be honest, I still have some guilt, but I think that is because of those vegetarians preachers on TV or sometimes there are vegetarians who meet (not “meat”, get it?) on campus and try to bring me back to true vegetarianism (but I remind myself that they are just hypocrites who probably help themselves to a can of Spam when no one is looking). I think that the school should ban these kinds of people from sharing their beliefs as it makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I think that the government should ban all fundamental vegetarians from discussing their radical beliefs with others in a public forum, you know maybe they should not allow them to even think their radical thoughts and they should put them in jail to get their minds right – after all, it has been really freeing for me to shed my past convictions and embrace the totality of who I am – a Carnivorous Vegetarian! Yeah, for me! I’m gonna make a quick run to Jimmy Johns!

  Titus 1:16 “They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient, and worthless for any good deed.”

The Emergent Prophet at Sodom and Gomorrah

Daily Blog 01: 7:12 am.

Emergent Prophet here. I will be blogging today from the Gay Pride Festival at Sodom and Gomorrah. I know, you are asking yourself, where in the round world has the Wanderer been all these months? After all, it has been a long time since I wrote to you all from the “Event” at Mount Carmel (notice, I didn’t say “Caramel” this time – I am a learner, I am a learner!).

Anyway, I have been so busy, you don’t even know. After Mt. Carmel, I decided that I needed to take a little time to get away from it all, to kind of re-discover myself. After all, I had never really taken the time to examine my old values and beliefs, you know, the ones that were handed down to me by my parents and from the old days of Vacation Torah School, my old Jewish High School, and then of course, Torah College. I had just accepted these traditional teachings and values as my own without really examining them in light of contemporary societal norms and standards. So, now I have done that, and I have re-emerged as a better person. Gone are the days of believing in black and white, right and wrong, sin and judgment, no…that is not me. I am an Emergent Prophet! I thoroughly embrace the Emergent teachings and values. I am my own man. I am independent.

At least that was the mantra that we chanted at the Emergent Prophet’s conference that I attended on the Med coast. There were about 700 or so other independent emergent prophets there (which is a lot considering how much they charge for this “ministry” conference), we have formed a loose knit network of like-minded emergent prophets and we subscribe to a set standard of beliefs (one of them being that you can basically believe anything that you want and still be a part of our network – as long as you are not a fundamentalist, mind you), we receive a monthly newsletter, we pay our dues, and we blog regularly and receive daily emails from our great Emergent Prophet leader – but other than that, I am a free thinker and a free man!

So, in accordance with our general principles, I have started my own fellowship in town. I just picked a town where I thought that there would be a lot of unbelievers (who cares if there were already dozens of synagogues there, they are obviously not enlightened enough to do the job) and was sure to check the local library to be sure that the residents all had lots of money for tithing to the fellowship (even a prophet has got to live, right?), and I started a group meeting at the local pub. We call it Torah and Toddies. We get together with the locals and discuss current issues - sometimes we even use the Torah -then, before we all get too drunk I invite them to come to my fellowship on Saturday morning at the local school gymnasium. (BTW, we have another group starting up in a brothel in the Red Light district - we are calling it “Ladies and the Law”, after all, where else can you find a large group of men on Friday night?).

So now our little group has decided that we should come to the annual Sodom and Gomorrah Gay Pride Parade and Festival. After all, we are theologically conservative and culturally liberal, and you can’t get much more culturally liberal than Gay Pride Celebrations. And, this is Gay Pride month, and it has been given special status by our King (no not God, you fool – the REAL King – King Barack). Anyway, we felt that we should come down and show these people that God is Love and that there is no judgment or condemnation for their chosen lifestyles (did I say “chosen”, what I meant to say was their lifestyle that they were born into without any choice or responsibility of their own). And to show how much I value them as human beings, and support their right to marry, to have children (adopted of course), and to be viewed as equals - I have brought my own family with me - my significant other, and our two children – Adam and Eve. (I know, it’s cliché but give me a break, we were married while I was in Torah College). Adam is eight and Eve is six. They seem to be having a great time. I think it will be good for them to grow up in this “open” environment. Not like the repressive home where I was raised – oh, don’t get me started, my father didn’t want me to date until I was sixteen, and my mother had a fit if I even thought about staying out all night with friends. Thank God (or who/whatever you worship) that I am a recovering fundamentalist. I will not raise my children with those kind of rigid standards, no sir, they will be free to choose their own paths and make their own way in life. Yessiree bob, I am breaking those bonds.

Daily Blog 02: 10:41 am.

For the last several hours we have been handing out free water bottles that are emblazoned with the words “God is Love” right on the bottle. What better way to share God’s Truth with them than to participate with them in their celebration of LGBT-ishness? And besides, it gets really hot out here in the desert and these guys (I guess they are guys – not a judgment statement, just a question) are really working up a sweat as they “perform” on these floats and displays that are being pulled through town by the camels and donkeys. Although you would think that if they just sat and “waved” they would stay cooler, but they seem to be having a good time. I guess they love each other, at least they have a lot of passion.

Daily Blog 03: 12:54 pm.

I just had the nicest group of guys come by our booth. They were really interested in my kids, especially Adam. They asked me if it would be alright if they took him to some of the kiddie rides and games on the other end of the park. I didn’t want to seem judgmental or unkind, so I let him go with them. They promised to bring him back in a few minutes. I believe them. They are nice guys. I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Daily Blog 04: 2:13 pm.

Boy, we are really going through the water bottles here. These people are so hot. What a great ministry idea! We have had hundreds of people take our water bottles and they obviously see that we love them and don’t judge them for their lifestyles and they can clearly read that “God is Love” right on the bottle. Of course, most of them just throw them away, but that’s OK.

Daily Blog 05: 3:58 pm.

I haven’t seen Adam yet. I am sure that he is having a good time.

Daily Blog 06: 4:25 pm.
There was this group of “fundies” who came in the park – they started handing out tracts with Torah passages on them, and then they started praying. People started getting angry and then a bunch of them started throwing things at these “fundies”. Finally, the authorities came and dragged those “fundies” out for causing a disturbance. I hope that our gay friends don’t think that we are like those people. We love them and care about them – we don’t judge them or attempt to impose our outdated values on them. I mean, what these people choose do in the privacy of their homes, or in public parks, or in public bathrooms, or on the major TV and cable networks, in the movies, and in our public schools, is none of my business.

Daily Blog 07: 6:46 pm.
Well, the parade and all the other events are wrapping up. Maybe we will stay and help pick up some of this trash. There sure is a lot of trash everywhere. I guess we should have put out more trash cans and recycle bins, after all, I am certain that these Sodomites care for the environment and wouldn’t willingly just trash the place. It’s the local government’s fault for not providing enough trash cans. That must be it.

Daily Blog 08: 08:19 pm.

Well, it’s getting really late and no sign of Adam. I guess I’ll go look for him. I’m sure he’s OK, after all, these are nice guys.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11  Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,  nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and in the Spirit of our God.